I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
