batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
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This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
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I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.