9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.