Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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