Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
