Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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