He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
