And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
