A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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