think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
