It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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