There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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