dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
