Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
