Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
