I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot