Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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