This is not my ceiling
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
