He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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