i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
