also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
