i already hear my dad disowning me
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
