I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
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She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
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She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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