drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize