The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I need to calm my uterus...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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