the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
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I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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