When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
