i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
