Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
