I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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