I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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