The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
