weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
