Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
