I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
