I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Randomize
