i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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