she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Someone came in the potted fern
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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