If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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