If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
