Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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