I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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