after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
