I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
