ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
