I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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