My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
