So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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