if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
