Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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