Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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