I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He felt like a one man threesome
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
