I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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