I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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