Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We were destined to go to rehab together
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
