it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
