I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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